At the end I’m lying here with the warmth of my bedcovers clutching them to me closely. I sink into the bed and soak up the comfort of the moment. From my bedroom I can hear the early birds and this draws my attention to the window. The white shutters let in sunlight but I can see a glimpse of the blue sky and marshmallow clouds.
I pull back the covers, sit up and rub my eyes. Swinging my legs out of the bed and placing my feet on the cold bare wooden floorboards, I stretch, and walk towards the door. My cat Darcee a British Shorthair joins me and we both grace the staircase down to the farmhouse kitchen.
Suddenly a feeling of solitary confinement engulfs me and just for a minute I’m taken back to that dark place and have a momentary flashback of my childhood nightmare.
A dark descent falls upon me and I see my adopted father stooping over me like a giant in my bedroom. He wakes me from my sleep with his presence and actions. From within the walls of the dark room somewhere I muster up the strength to tell him to leave me alone and go away. I’m a child of about 7. I cant remember a lot of things as I have removed things from my memory subconsciously as part of my survival. However, I do recall this as a defining moment. He leaves me alone and goes back to his bedroom where my adopted mother lies.
I wont leave it there. I’m a gutsy little girl and I know right from wrong and this is wrong. I follow him down the long corridor to his bedroom. I shout to my adopted mother that he has been in my room. I cant say much more because I cant really articulate what has happened other than knowing its wrong. I’m hoping that she will take me seriously and help me. Please help me. She stirs in the bed and when he says I just wanted my window opening and there is nothing to worry about she goes back to sleep.
I’m left there in despair. The only one person I thought could help me has just added to the violation. I’m alone. Its the end.
I’m left bewildered, alone, isolated and insecure. You know at that moment in time I age about 15 years. There’s a lot to be said about the old adage of “old head on young shoulders”.
I suddenly come back to the present and to the sound of the kettle boiling noisily I make a cup of coffee and breathe in the strong aroma and clear my thoughts. Thoughts that have never left me and are never far away and constantly causing me to grapple with the reality of the whole situation.
This is the end…..